Til my Beloved Mother Nancy’s passing happening on September 3rd, I did not realize how much comfort she brought to me. The reason why I did not realize how much comfort she brought to me was because I grew up being her parent (my sisters too), giving her lots of comfort and reassurance that she was loved. Her need kept me from becoming my own individual self, I felt like my purpose in life was to make her happy.
I did have a break for 20 years where my beloved sisters looked after her while I was living in California. Then when I was living in Sedona, somewhat being newly spiritually awakened, my mother almost died in New Jersey. Because it was getting to be too much for my sisters and thinking my mother was getting ready to die, I decided to have her move out to Sedona to be with me. Well, she lived another 8 1/2 years longer than I thought she would, which caused me many frustrations as I wanted my freedom, but I also enjoyed a lot of my time with her.
So, I had a very long journey with my mother that was filled with a heaviness of responsibility. I felt she was holding me back and inhibiting my own personal spiritual evolution. Happy to say, she did pull back on her demanding desires of wanting me to be her fulfillment and started to respect my guidance to go within myself to fully surrender to the True Creator Self. But, now looking at all of this, I realize that my ego at times took it a little too far and that I could of enjoyed more of my times with her than I allowed myself to.
I had felt that since I had surrendered so much and had raised my level of frequency of consciousness, that when she ended up passing that it would not affect me that much (as I know that when our loved ones pass, they are still alive). A friend of mine who psychically saw before I went to Peru, that I would be more affected by her transition than I could realize at the moment.
Over these past four months, I have realized that my mother did bring me so much comfort, as she was someone I could just be my human self and she would still love me unconditionally. There was something that she loved so deeply that I gave to her, maybe it was that our souls had previous lifetimes together or maybe it was because she could feel the love that I had for her.
It is my human self (ego/personality) that is missing the comfort of her at times because it is afraid to completely let go of all its attachments to the physical world that it has accustomed itself to. My human self loved to just sit and watch movies with her and just do superficial human stuff as it was a distraction to completely dying to the illusion that we are all living in.
Love is really all that there is in Truth, but most of humanity looks to others for this fulfillment vs. giving birth to it from within. It is our human ego that needs others and the support that they can give; when that is nowhere to be found, it is what can lock the ego into fear and resistance to truly letting go and discovering that we are all the Creator Consciousness from within.
Over these years, I have had many experiences of sitting in silence, allowing huge amounts of light into my physical being without knowing what was occurring – sometimes riddled with fear of the ego’s constant thoughts of: “Is this really my True Self?”, “Who is the Creator really?” and the list goes on.
It is really what someone goes through during a physical death, but many of us are going through this without physically dying and it can be an unnerving experience at times. It takes a lot of trust and faith to be able to completely surrender to our Higher True Selves.
During my mother’s final year, she could channel such deep truths and one time she said “so much of what we have been taught is false” and “that there is no such thing as birth or death as we are already God.” I was aware of this, but to hear my own mother who struggled her whole life to speak these words was Golden.
So, I may not have my mother physically around me anymore to just hang out with, giving me a break from letting go of all my attachments, but I now have the opportunity to give birth to the comfort from within, which is freedom. Plus, the soul who played the role of my mother this lifetime, is now the Expansiveness of the Creator’s Life Force of Light and Love and can be with me in many ways. Just like the Creator’s Love is Eternal and unconditional, the love I shared with my mother is the same.
Thank you, Mom for BEing such an excellent teacher of selfless service and unconditional love! I love you!